My little miracle.

I dreamed and prayed about the day that I could become a mother my whole life. A lot of people define themselves by their career. Yes, I'm going to get my degree and go back to work one day, but that's not how I define myself. I truly believe that I was meant to be a wife and mother. That is my greatest and proudest accomplishment. I had my whole birth plan planned out. It didn't go as planned.

I was scheduled to be induced on Thursday April 30, 2009. I would have been 39 weeks 1 day that day. I was considered high risk and my doctor didn't want me to go past my due date. At every weekly appointment that led up to the 30th, I was not progressing at all. Not effacing or dilating. Nothing. It was so frustrating! So, I had a sonogram the Friday before. They saw that she had not dropped at all. She was head down, but she was laying on her side. So her head was pointing to the left, her body was on the right, and her legs curled around and were up by my ribs. She was basically in a "c" shape. I researched how to get your baby to change positions and asked my sister-in-law Amanda (who is a labor and delivery nurse) and did all the silly exercises to get her to move. Nothing. So I gave up because Amanda told me that usually when you start contracting, the babies will move into position.

Since I wasn't progressing on my own, I went into the hospital the night before (April 29th) at 5:30pm to have Cervidil put on my cervix to help me start progressing. They didn't want to start me on Pitocin without progressing first. I had been in the labor and delivery ward many times before this being monitored for my high blood pressure. Well, when we got there that night, we walked ALL the way down to the very end of labor and delivery because all the other rooms were full. (we found out later that this was the busiest day they had had in YEARS! Wonderful) I didn't get my Cervidil until around 11:30pm. Apparently there was some confusion and they had no idea I was coming in that night and there were several women in labor so I wasn't top priority.

The afternoon of the 29th before I went into the hospital.


I'm pretty sure this is a fake smile.



Emma's heat beat on the left, my contractions on the right.

I had the Cervidil in for 12 hours. All I did was efface about 80% So after they took it out they started the Pitocin. I had a reaction to the Cervidil. Lets just say it was extremely painful. So I went through 8 hours of Pitocin. Every time I was checked, nothing. Apparently I have a much higher pain tolerance than I thought I did, because the nurses kept asking if the contractions were hurting because I didn't show it at all on my face that I was in pain. (and I WAS!!!) So that evening, my doctor came in and checked me. Nothing. She gave me my options. I could stop the Pitocin and do the Cervidil for another 12 hours (since I had the reaction to it, I opted for a big fat NO on that one) I could start another round of Pitocin, I could stop everything for the night and start back up in the morning, or I could have a c-secction. I heard c-section and started bawling . That was my worst fear. I did NOT want a c-section. She let me think about it for a little while. I talked about it with my mom and Amanda and we decided to just stop everything and make my decision in the morning. I had only had 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour timeframe. That night, I was so exhausted that I told my mom I might just opt for the c-section in the morning.

I slept so good! Well, as good as you can in a hospital, and still having contractions. At 7 the next morning (May 1st) the nurse came in and asked me what my decision was. I was SO not ready to make my decision. So I discussed it with my mom and Amanda again and they said to go ahead and try the Pitocin again. Knowing me, I would have felt like I gave up and didn't give it my best shot to not have a c-section. So, they started the Pitocin back up. The contractions got really bad this round.


I'm not sure which day this was. All I know is that I was in pain.

My husband is a BIG joker. Much to my dismay sometimes when I need him to be serious. (don't get me wrong, I love that he has fun, I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. I just need him to be serious sometimes too) You could tell that he was worried that day. He hardly talked. The day before he was very lighthearted and was cracking jokes. (it actually helped me this time, cause I was in a lot of pain and it kept my mind off of it.) He just sat by the baby monitor and watched it. He didn't eat all. day. long. Which, if you know my husband, you know that that is very abnormal. You could tell that he knew something was up. It was like he had a 6th sense about it.

8 hours later, my doctor came in to check me. Nothing. I hadn't progressed one bit since the Cervidil 3 days before. So she asked me what I was thinking. I said, what are YOU thinking? She said, I think we need to do the c-section. I cried and cried. I was absolutely terrified of having a c-section. It was one of my worst fears. My doctor told me that once you're in the hospital and having gone through induction, they don't let you go home. I could have done another round of Pitocin if I really wanted to, but she really thought that the c-section was best.


Right before I went in for the c-section. David was excited, I was crying in the background.

So, they told me it would be a few hours before it would be my turn in the operating room. A little while later they came in and said there was an opening and the doctor wanted to get me in there as soon as possible. I started panicking because I thought I had a few hours to get used to the idea of having surgery. Later, they wheeled me into the operating room. (creepy by the way) I had to slide over to the operating table, which feels like its about, 6 inches wide. I hung my legs over the side while my doctor held me and they gave me the spinal block. That was scary. A spinal is different from an epidural. They don't keep it in like they do an epidural. Its pretty much just a shot and the numbing is almost instantaneous. With an epidural, the numbing is gradual. Also, with an epidural, many women can still move their legs. Not with a spinal!! Weirdest thing ever. You are telling your legs to move, but nothing is happening! The numbing went all the way up to my hands. I could still move my arms and hands though. Also, the spinal lasts for 4-6 hours. When you turn the epidural off, the numbness wears off faster. As they were getting ready to start the spinal, I kept thinking, I can't do this, I can't do this, I CAN'T do this!! I couldn't believe that I was about to have major surgery, AWAKE!

They finally let David to come in. It was really a relief to see him! They began the surgery, and it was so strange, because you can feel them touch and pull, you just can't feel pain. So I felt everything that was going on. After a little while, they pulled my baby out and told me that the umbilical cord was around her neck twice and there was a KNOT in it!! Amanda, and my brother David lost their first baby, John Allen, that way. Amanda had been contracting and they kept sending her home. I believe it was the day before she was scheduled to be induced, she went in for a checkup and there was no heartbeat. When he dropped, the umbilical cord tightened and it cut off the blood flow to him. If Emma had dropped, it would have been the same thing and she would have gone into distress. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that I had that c-section. If I had opted to continue on with the Pitocin, and she had gone into distress, it would have resulted in an emergency c-section. And who knows what the outcome would have been. My mom said Amanda started crying when my doctor came out of the operating room and told them what had happened. God knew what was going on and He knew what He was doing. (duh, He knew) Everything fell into place perfectly to get my precious baby girl here safely. She is truly my little miracle and I think God daily for keeping her safe!

After they suctioned her out, she started crying and they held her over the curtain for me to see. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life! I fell in love instantly! (not that I didn't already love her, but it's different when you first lay your eyes on your precious precious baby!) She had SO much hair! She was born May 1, 2009 at 3:52pm. She weighed 6lbs 12oz and was 20in long. My doctor finished closing me back up. I heard her talking to the anesthesiologist. She was showing him the new kind sutcher she was doing. Its all from the inside. There are no external stitches, and it is supposed to be plastic surgery quality. I'm so thankful for that! I have a friend (who actually recommended me to Dr. Halderman) who had a c-section last July and she got staples. I think that if I had had staples, it would have freaked me out.


As they were pulling her out.


Seeing her for the first time.

When my doctor came out to tell my family how it went, she told my mom that she felt a close bond between me and her, because while she was bringing my little girl into the world (and quite possibly saving her life) her aunt was on life support upstairs in the ICU just minutes away from having her life support pulled.

They wheeled me out into recovery. I had to spend an hour in there. My parents, in laws and Amanda came in to see me, and then they brought Emma in. I got to hold her for the first time! After a little while I let my mom hold her. She started crying. When they gave her back to me she stopped. Then someone else took her, she started crying. Again when they gave her back to me, she stopped. She knew me! She knew who her mommy was! BEST feeling in the WORLD! She was comforted by me! They asked if I wanted to try nursing. I told my mom that I didn't feel up to it. I felt bad, but I had just gone through 3 days of labor and major surgery. Little did I know, I wouldn't get to see her until 4 hours later!


Holding her for the first time!


She had/has so much hair!

Another thing about the spinal block. When I was in recovery, I started shaking uncontrollably. The kind of shaking that happens when you're really cold, only I couldn't stop it! They kept bringing me warm blankets and packing them on me. When you start getting feeling back, it starts from your chest and works its way down. So as I am gaining feeling back (and still shaking) I'm starting to feel the excruciating pain in my stomach from the surgery. Imagine being cut open, having all those muscles and nerves cut through, and then shaking uncontrollably. Very painful. They finally took me to my postpartum room and a few hours later brought my baby back to me. She was having trouble keeping her body temperature up. I was SO anxious to have her back!

We didn't get to go home until Monday afternoon. So I spent almost a week in the hospital. We were so anxious to go home!

Going home!

My mom has asked me a few times what I'm going to do next time I get pregnant. My doctor told me that I could labor next time. I didn't have to have a c-section. But I could opt for one if I wanted to. I've given it a lot of thought. (even though it is going to be a couple years before I have another) If I were to go into labor or start progressing on my own, I will opt to labor. If not, c-section baby! I don't want to go through induction again. Not a pleasant experience.

The two things I hated the most about the c-section were that a) I didn't get to hold my baby girl for the first time until an HOUR after she had been born. and b) the recovery time, and pain! My doctor did tell me that the recovery would have been easier if I hadn't been so exhausted from the 3 days of labor. The pain medicine that I took made me loopy and foggy. The first week of my baby's life is a big blur because of the pain medicine. My baby is only a week old once and I want to remember everything! I don't want it to be a big blur again.

I cannot truly express how comforted I was to have my sister in law Amanda there. Don't get me wrong, it was comforting to have my husband, parents, and sister. But Amanda is a labor and delivery nurse. It's like I had my own personal nurse/doula. One of my nurses told me her horror story of labor and delivery to try and encourage me to opt for the c-section. Amanda was irate! She was so mad that she would do that. Nurses aren't there to try to scare you into making a decision. I don't know if she ever did, but she said she was going to contact the hospital about her.

This experience brought me closer to my husband. There are a lot of things that I had to have my husband do that I never thought I'd have to. I'm the kind of person who won't even pee in front of him. It's not that I'm uncomfortable around him, that's just one thing that I like to keep private. I sometimes can't even go if there's someone in the stall next to me in a public restroom. Weird, I know. Well, not anymore! I had to have help to and from the bathroom, while I was in the bathroom, while I showered because I couldn't bend over, and even help getting dressed! Plus, its just so special and amazing looking into the eyes of this tiny little baby that you and the person you love most in the world created. I still look at her in awe that this was the little baby that I grew in my belly for 9 months.

My baby is now 11 weeks old today. People ask me if it's weird being a mom now. It's really not! It has been my dream my whole life to be a mommy. It's so natural to me and I just fell into the role perfectly.


11 weeks old.